Infertility Venting

Infertility 

It's cycle day one which means my second round of Clomid was unsuccessful. I could feel the pangs of an upcoming period starting last night but I never take any pain meds until I actually start bleeding because what if it's the pangs of pregnancy and I just dumped a whole lot of pain killers into my body. But it is now for sure period pain and I HURT. I found myself googling "Clomid period pain" and discovered that yes painful periods are a side effect. So now my side effect list includes hot flashes, emotions that feel like they are going to swallow me up and periods that feel like they are going break me in half. Oh did I mention that I'm supposed to return to work today after being on vacation last week. What perfect timing. 

There were two pregnancy announcements on Facebook this weekend. I am so happy for those couples because I desperately want Kevin and I to be one of those couples. 

It's been 2 years 10 months that we've been trying to get pregnant. It's been 1 year 10 months since I miscarried our baby. Our baby would have been 14 months old this month. I still wonder who they would have been, what they would have looked like. 

I'm tired, I'm in pain, I'm frustrated that I'm still here without a child in my arms. I'm scared that we might never have children, sad about all that I feel like I'm missing, afraid of getting pregnant and all the worries that come (but still willing to do it, don't get me wrong) I'm frustrated that my body doesn't do what it's supposed to and mad that this hurts so bad. And more. Many many more emotions.