I've wanted to write about our journey to baby for a long time, but I didn't know how to get started. But this post is for me, to write things down. Pretend like we are close friends and were are sitting in the corner of a coffee shop catching up. Because sometimes that just what I really need, someone to talk to.
In the fall of 2013 my husband and I felt it was time to start our family. We had been talking about it for the past year or so, and we had been married long enough that people had started to ask "when are you two going to have a baby?" So, we started this journey. I talked with some of the women in my family and everyone said that didn't have any struggle with trying to conceive so I didn't have any reason to be concerned and honestly, I didn't have any examples on how to deal with infertility. We went through a couple of cycles with no success and I started doing more and more research and learned about tracking your basel body temperatures and many other tips and tricks. I bought and read books trying to find the answers to my questions. I learned all the TTC jargon, BBT, BD, CM, BFP, OPK etc. I watched a lot of women on YouTube sharing their journey for which I am forever grateful because even thought I have close friends and family; I didn't want to bore them too much with my information overload.
In the fall of 2014 we reached and year of trying for a baby without success so I made a doctors appointment to begin the conversation about our options and to begin tests in case something was wrong. But on October 13th my period was one day late and I took a pregnancy test. I was so excited about taking it, I just had this overwhelming feeling. I had taken plenty of negative pregnancy tests in the past year but I just knew something was different about this day, this cycle. When the word "Pregnant" appeared on the screen I started shaking and was in complete shock. I woke my husband up and he was sleepy until I said "I just want to tell you that you're going to be a daddy" and he sat strait up in bed saying "NO WAY!" And I was delighted and then I cried. It was a beautiful moment and I'll never forget anything about it.
Of course this is a Monday so I get ready for work and I think to myself "I'm pregnant, I can't believe I'm actually pregnant." It replayed over and over in my head all day. That night, I was with my mom supporting my sister at her high school choir concert and I didn't say anything. My husband and I wanted to tell our families together and it was SO HARD not to tell my mom. Tuesday, my parents were having us over for a family dinner so Kevin and I bought a pair of tiny baby shoes and put them in a shoe box. As dinner was wrapping up I told my family that I just bought a pair of shoes and wanted their opinions. When I pulled the tiny pairs of shoes out of the box there were crickets. They all looked at me like I was crazy until my sister says "you're pregnant" and I said "yes, I am!" and my moms face lit up as she jumped up to hug me and there was a chorus of congratulations, hugs and hand shakes from my entire family.
On Wednesday, we told my husbands family that had been shopping in the area and we wanted to stop by and show them some new shoes we had just bought. Kevin handed the shoe box to his mom and when she opened the lid she looked up and me and I just shook my head yes and there the rounds of hugs and congratulations continued at their house.
On Thursday, I woke up to blood.
I will never forgot that feeling. Like my whole world had just stopped. This can't be real. I had tried to get pregnant for so long and I had three days of unbelievable joy and now blood. While waiting on hold with the doctor I just wrote "I love you I love you I love you" over and over again on a piece of paper. After playing phone tag with the doctors office, I had an ultrasound schedule for that afternoon. The bleeding had only gotten worse and the ultrasound tech was unable to see anything. I went to the lab for blood tests and the next day found out my HCG levels were extremely low. I followed up with more blood work a week later and my HCG levels were less than one. My baby was gone.
That brings us to today. I've had two cycles since my miscarriage and no baby. I had a miscarriage follow up appointment a month after I lost our baby and the doctor said if we don't conceive in the next couple months then it would be a good idea to come in for some testing. So it's back to the BBT and OPK (basel body temperature and ovulation predictor kit.)
I constantly remind myself that my story is not over. This is just a chapter. If God has called me to be a mother (and I feel deep in my heart that He has) then He will fulfill the calling but it will be in His timing and not mine and that is the hardest part for me.
But I will not give up hope. We will keep praying and trying and someday I hope to see that plus sign, second line or the word 'positive' on another pregnancy test. I hope that one day I will hold my little baby in my arms, give him or her a name and to whisper prayers of thanks over them. Someday I will be a mommy.
Oh Lord, our Lord your majestic name fills the earth!
Your glory is higher than the heavens.
You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength,
silencing your enemies and all who oppose you.
When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers-
the moon and stars you set in place-
what are mere mortals that you should think about them,
human beings that you should care for them?
Yet you made them only a little lower than God
and crowned them with glory and honor.
You gave them charge of everything you made,
putting all things under their authority-
the flocks and the herds
and all the wild animals,
the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea,
and everything that swims in the ocean currents.
O Lord, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!
Psalms 8 NLT